


Fathoming

by Hazel_Inle



Series: Clearest Blue [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alien Culture, Angst and Feels, Art Criticism, Attraction, Awkward Kissing, Denial of Feelings, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gentle Kissing, Kissing, M/M, they sneak out again, this time it gets intese
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-04 16:07:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12774597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hazel_Inle/pseuds/Hazel_Inle
Summary: Eli and Thawn make it almost a stress relief tactic when sneaking out past curfew to visit the Coruscant Art Museum. However this time, instead of escaping from their expectations, they're followed there.





	Fathoming

Thrawn was naturally a hard worker. Even if he seemed to others to be naturally skilled in every aspect of the Academy, Eli knew better. Thrawn was more than just what he let others knew.

He stayed up late to work, ensuring that all of his information was accurate and completed. He went over his data, both classwork as well as private matters, in a strict studying regime, even if he already knew the information. If there ever was an assignment that could be bettered, Thrawn was sure to exceed expectations.

Eli knew Thrawn had a proclivity to results and achieving the best he could, but whether it was natural or induced through the negative attention directed at them daily, he didn’t know. Thrawn never divulged his true thoughts to anyone, and that often made him a mystery to predict. Eli supposed that was done intentionally, since Thrawn had very few allies. He also thought that perhaps since he was close to Thrawn and never let him stray towards danger willingly, Eli could be trusted with at least a _little_ bit of Thrawn’s personality. His likes and his dislikes beyond the professional field. For Stars sake, he _lived_ with the Chiss every day, and Eli honestly answered every personal inquiry _Thrawn_ made towards him and his background. Why couldn’t Eli do the same? Why was Thrawn so secretive?

This particular topic was addressed soon enough.

Graduation was approaching at a fast pace, and Eli felt himself reel at the inertia of the speed it was coming at him. He had four finals to complete in a matter of days, settle the final details of his application as supply officer, complete his duties for the graduation ceremony, and to top it all off, _his parents coming_.

Not that he was worried for their opinion of _him_. They always were supportive of his career choice in Supply, as of it was always his knack with numbers and the similarity with the family business that made him so easy to encourage. However, it was their _attitude_ and _countenance_ that caused potential problems.

How would they act on such a world as Coruscant? Would other cadets and their high society parents show their disdain for Eli’s parents as openly as they had towards the son? Would his parents make an embarrassing comment that was so standard outer-rim that it would immediately put the whole lot of them in the spotlight and in the line of fire? Or worst of all, would they embarrass Thrawn with questions pertaining to the legends and myths that have been proven to be almost nothing but slander towards the intimidating alien race?

It seemed Thrawn had sensed Eli’s tension and offered their typical outing as a potential stress reliever. Eli immediately agreed.

The first time he snuck out he was in desperate terror of being caught, but by the fourth occasion, he and Thrawn were confident in their ability. Soon, they had it down to almost an art form, leaving the Academy after dark to explore the Museum together without any prying eyes or pressure of society on them. It was a safe haven where they could discuss plans, peers, artworks and the culture they pertained to, the mathematical aspect of the designs, and on rare occasions, _feelings_ , though never anything with consequence or deep meaning. Still, it was the closest thing they had to freedom, and Eli accepted every offer to leave, even if he was exhausted the next morning in class.

“Your parents surely are aware of this hierarchy you spoke of to me upon arrival here to the Core,” Thrawn said as they strolled down the gallery hall of the traveling exhibit section that was recently updated. “and if that is so, then what have you to worry about?”

“It’s not that they don’t _know_ ,” Eli sighed. “It’s just that they don’t…they don’t try and _blend in_.”

“Some would call that pride in self-image. They do not allow other’s opinion to direct their actions.”

“yeah but I just want it to go without garnering attention, you know? Ive had enough of attention to last me.”

“because of me?”

“because of who _I_ am. I couldn’t avoid it even if I _wasn_ _’t_ assigned to you.”

“but without my presence, you would not even be at the Royal Imperial Academy. You would be on Myomar.”

“yeah I would…” Eli sighed almost wistfully. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind this. It’s just it would’ve been easier, you know?”

“Yes, there are many occasions where one outcome would be easier than another, but yet it is not the one that life directs you to.” Thrawn replied in equal thoughtfulness. “I grieve for your troubles, especially when it was caused by my own doing. But I also believe you never would have seen your potential had you stayed on course to Myomar.”

“Potential?” Eli laughed. “I’m not the one who finished a full year of academy training in three months.”

“No, but you exceeded your peers even here on a Core World academy. Does that not say something of your own ability?”

“Not as much as _you,_ ” Eli brushed off. “I mean, so what if you have had prior military exper- Thrawn?”

Eli stopped mid-step as he realized Thrawn was no longer walking beside him. He turned back to see Thrawn standing before a large painting, his form seemingly frozen in space.

Thrawn gazed at the depiction in wonder. His expression was one of silent and gentle bewilderment, as though something had fallen into place in his mind, a puzzle piece had found its slot. Eli didn’t say a word, for fear that the moment would be broken. He had never seen Thrawn so…so tranquil. As though he had made peace with something that was plaguing his mind for so long.

Curious, Eli turned to the painting.

There were two figures intertwined in a perfectly passionate embrace on sheets of silk with graceful engagement. Their lips whispered over each other like a teased contact that was forbidden, almost more so than the fact that one was human and the other was Keshiri. Interspecies relationships…an impossibility. Illegal for all imperial military personnel.

“Why would they have this here?” Eli asked, before realizing he had broken the silence he originally wanted to keep. he slowly looked to Thrawn and was thankful that the expression did not leave the Chiss.

“I believe it is an example of what corrupt action would be to humans mingling with other species; blissful, but unnatural. Interestingly, this piece originated from Kesh, not a human world.”

“So…it wasn’t originally painted by a human?” Eli guessed.

“It was,” Thrawn corrected. “The mathematical proportions and composition components are too precise. The Keshiri are beings who have more talent towards the objective and expressionistic arts rather than aspects of realism. There is, however, inspiration taken from Kesirian art towards the line of action to the focal point and the movement of the figures’ positioning. Most human art that is modern does not portray such emotion.”

“Oh…” Eli murmured, confused.

“The original painter was the lover of a Keshiri,” Thrawn continued. “and painted this work to show their euphoria and their…” he spoke a word in Sy Bisti.

“Their passion, their affection,” Eli supplied. “It’s really not directly translatable. Closest I can think of is a love that’s deeper than physical or emotional love. It’s…”

“Endless,” the Chiss finished for him. “Boundless. Everlasting.”

“Right.,” Eli said. “But why show it here in a place that bans…well anyone that’s _not_ human?”

“Because,” Thrawn said, gesturing a hand to the work. “This is displayed here as a model for the human viewer to see how bewitching such an act can seem, and to beware of its temptation, regardless of the original intent by the creator.”

“So instead of celebrating this kind of union, its condemning it.”

“Yes…so it would seem.”

Eli risked a glance at Thrawn. He still appeared content.

“So, why are you so… _fine_ with this?” Eli asked. “It’s basically saying that _you_ can’t be happy.”

“How so, Cadet Vanto?”

“Well, we can’t fraternize with anyone not in our rank. And you can’t be with _anyone_ because you’re a Chiss, and interspecies relations are banned in the military. And I hear they’re soon going to extend that law to civilians too.”

“My intention in coming to this part of the galaxy was never to find a partner in life,” Thrawn pointed out.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Eli shrugged again, moving away to look at the next art when Thrawn’s voice stopped him.

“But that does not mean it did not occur anyway.”

Eli whirled around to stare at Thrawn’s pleased gaze that was still directed at the painting. Thrawn had…developed _feelings_ for someone? The thought seemed almost impossible to Eli. Who could have possibly impressed _Thrawn_ of all people? And he was so stoic most of the time that it was nearly inconceivable to think Thrawn as a romantic interest to anyone. He just appeared so… _disinterested_.

“Really?” Eli asked. Thrawn’s gaze turned towards Eli, though the expression did not fade or change. The sensation of having that peaceful look directed towards him made Eli’s knees almost weaken.

“I would have believed you to see through it. I was not hiding it very well, I must confess.”

“Oh…I guess I’m not that observant,” Eli shrugged. “Because I didn’t know.”

“I see…” Thrawn murmured before returning to normal volume “Though I disagree, you are very observant.”

“Yeah well, I don’t know what I’d be looking for with you.” Eli admitted with a shrug. “I mean, you’re mostly passive faced so there’s no cues telling me you had any interest in that sort of thing.”

“Ah. So humans prefer facial expressions rather than information trading as a sign of attraction.”

“Well I mean…” Eli stopped, suddenly anxious by Thrawn’s conclusion. “What do you mean ‘information trading’?”

“We Chiss are very loyal to one another, as per your legends describe,” Thrawn began, glancing back at Eli. “However, if one feels a deeper loyalty to another, they often share their thoughts, observations, and willing to put pride aside to learn from their intended partner. All Chiss already would be gracious and courteous to one another, but to show preference of attention and giving one’s opinion shows a deep trust in the other. This can be shared between comrades in battle, family members, and lovers. And emotional contact is forbidden between unmated pairs unless it is utilized as an offer.”

Eli gulped. Thrawn had _always_ shared information with him. Of course, that sort of exchange was normal for survival, and one could call it simple logic. With Thrawn being so ignorant of Human customs, Eli had thought it logical for Thrawn to listen to him. But then he recalled their first talk, where Thrawn had countered everything Eli had said with an argument, and never once gave his opinion towards the commanders. He just said as much as he needed to move the conversation along. Now, Thrawn was more than willing to speak his mind, to have meaningful conversations. But only with Eli.

“So…I guess you consider us friends then?”

Thrawn was silent, turning back to the painting one last time with a wistful gaze, his positivity faltering.

“I cannot decide if you truly believe that, or if you are denying what you already know.”

 _That_ confused Eli.

“Denying? Thrawn you aren’t making much sense. I don’t know what you are thinking.”

“Can you not?”

“No, not really.” Eli pondered their interactions. “I mean, you and I always have talked about things, and I’ve learnt a lot from you just as you’ve learnt a lot from me. But that’s normal between people.”

“How do humans show their preference then, if such interaction is normal?” Thrawn pressed.

“I don’t know, they kinda just say it. They they talk, they do things together, they look out for one another, they would do things _for_ one another they wouldn’t do for someone else.”

“You have yet to describe anything different to what I have spoken of my people.”

“Yeah well…” Eli abruptly lost patience. “They also say what their thinking instead of pretending they don’t have any _feelings_! They don’t keep their personality secret from each other, and they let the other person know how they feel about them. And in case you’re going to ask me _how_ they show it, they do things like _that_!”

Eli shoved a finger towards the offending painting that started the whole conversation, disgusted with his sudden anger at…what? He didn’t even know.

Why was he so angry? What was it that had set him off? Thrawn didn’t understand, and it was common for him not to. He always asked questions, and sometimes asked too many. But even then, Eli was patient. So what made this occasion so horrible? Was it somehow personal? Yes. Because Thrawn had looked disappointed and almost _guilty_ at being called friends.

“I have, Eli,” Thrawn murmured it so quietly that Eli nearly missed it in his haze of resentment.

“What?”

“I have shown you. Numerously.” Thrawn stepped towards Eli, moving away from the painting. His eyes were almost glowing in the darkness, the red hue penetrating the stillness of the air and building tension towards a metaphorical cliff. Eli could feel it nearing, but felt out of control.

“I believed I had given myself away the first time we came here, but it seems I was wrong. I was not direct enough. I have known humans to be creatures of subtlety in their interactions, and therefore come to know that as their preference to induce engagement. But it seems now there is very little definition between the sorts of relationships humans have, which is probably why so many of them end in tragedy or misunderstanding.”

Eli couldn’t reply. He was too thrown off kilter to even think of what he should do. What was Thrawn even talking about? And what did this have to do with them? What was Thrawn trying to say?

“I don’t…understand…” Eli said almost pitifully as Thrawn approached, now standing over him a full head taller. “I’m sorry…I’m trying, I really am. But I don’t know what-”

Eli was cut off as Thrawn rested his forehead against Eli’s, a mirror to their first encounter at the very museum they stood in. The moment when Thrawn spoke of a hope that Eli would one day know his “true worth”. His “true worth?” What did that mean?

Eli was no one. A common yokel from wild space, thrown into the shadow of this military genius that leapt from the legends of his childhood. Thrawn was…Thrawn was someone beyond description. Untouchable in his efforts and inconceivable with his skills. Eli was just there for the ride, a tool to be tossed aside when he was no longer needed. And would be glad for it. He would be rid of this pestilence that was always outshining him soon enough and he would be…well, perhaps he wouldn’t be happy. He may miss the Chiss’ and the excitement he brought from day to day, but in the end he would be thankful he would be on his own path soon. His skill was in numbers. Not art. He could live peacefully in supply, be comfortable with his logical telling numerals and statistics.

Numerals. “Numerously,” Thrawn had said.

Eli focused on the numbers.

Thrawn had spoken theories and conjectures in reasoning behind his actions: always. Had Thrawn done that to anyone else? Never. When faced with new information and told to act a certain way before the emperor by Eli, did Thrawn listen to him previously? No, he did not. Not until they were at the Academy, did Thrawn finally take Eli’s advice, and even began supplying his own.

Thrawn had pride, but did away with it. Eli had thought the man was simply trying to survive, but when faced with the most dangerous situation, he ignored the guidance and still came on top. Yet he _chose_ to heed Eli’s word now.

Thrawn had protected him when he was attacked by those cadets. He had no reason to, and even expressed a thankfulness that Eli was unharmed. He ignored Deenlark and created a better situation for everyone, and only divulged that particular thought once they were in private.

Thrawn told Eli why he snuck to the museum the first time without being convinced to, and even _worried_ for Eli’s reaction. He expressed faith in him, and held him just like this with intimacy that was…

Eli finally understood.

Mirroring Thrawn, he closed his eyes, but instead of pressing his forehead back, he did so with his lips. He felt a swooping feeling in his gut as he felt the edge of the metaphorical cliff slip away as their lips touched, the warmth and sensation of foreign contact jarring him. He began a steady freefall when Thrawn raised his hands to Eli’s upper arms, holding him in place to respond with an equally testing kiss of his own. Eli guided him on, binging his paled hands to the chiseled face to direct him as much as to encourage.

The motioned triggered something inside, and neither knew who pulled or who pushed as Eli’s back came in contact with the wall next to the painting. The stiff sensation of the unmoving surface on his back shot a thrill through eli as Thrawn continued the kiss, his grip on eli steadily becoming more possessive. Eli’s fingers curled into Thrawn’s pushed back hair drawing their faces even closer together. Thrawn in response pressed eli into the wall and moved closer, introducing a new aspect to their activity. The insides of their lips clashed and moved in sync, though occasionally breaking for breath or accidental nose bumping. But neither stopped for too long as though in a trance to keep going. There was a rhythm in their motions, one that took a little practice to find, but once there, became almost irresistible. Eli no longer felt himself falling off the edge in a spectacular plummet of fear, but rather leaping into the unknown dauntlessly and soaring through the stars.

He crashed back when he felt a tongue slide across his lip.

“N-no!” His cry seemed deafening in the otherwise silent gallery, and echoed even worse as Thrawn moved away, eyes hazy but confused.

“W-we can’t…” Eli whispered, afraid. Thrawn’s head cocked to the side curiously.

“I am aware,” Thrawn replied. Eli stared.

“But…if you are then why-”

“I have deemed this connection significant enough to risk discovery. Otherwise I would not have progressed.” His brow upturned with a question. “Have you not considered it worthy for yourself, Eli?”

“N-no…” Eli admitted, wilting further against the wall. “I only just found out that you…that I…”

He didn’t finish. He found he _couldn_ _’t_ finish. He didn’t even know _how_ to complete his thought.

“I see…” Thrawn removed his hands from Eli and stepped away out of his reach. “You are unsure of your own priorities.”

“No Thrawn I- well maybe but…it’s just…”

“is it because I am not human?”

“No! I mean, sort of, but-”

“Is it because I am male? Humans take gender very seri-”

“No, Thrawn! No! I-I just don’t want either of us to get hurt! If my folks find out I did this…if the _Academy_ found out that we did this!” Eli exclaimed, his panic growing.

“Eli, we are graduating in a few days, then-”

“You’re a lieutenant, Thrawn. We can’t, even if you _were_ human. I-I mean…I don’t _care_ that you’re Chiss. But…we can’t.”

Thrawn was silent, his eyes steadily on him as though in process of deduction.

“Are you worried of punishment? Of failure?”

“I…I just want…” Eli’s voice died as he realized he didn’t know what he wanted. All he knew was that Thrawn and he had some sort of bond in their precarious state, and somehow it had translated into comforting one another with a liaison of sorts. Obviously Thrawn and Eli cared for one another, but to officially acknowledge that bond with gestures such as these was…it was _dangerous._

“We just can’t. Besides, we’re going our own ways soon and…it won’t last that.”

“Why do you believe that?”

“Because…because I’m no one. And you…you probably will climb. I’ll disappear, and I know I will. I’ve always known it. Why fight something like that? And besides, you won’t need me anymore.”

Thrawn silently considered Eli’s words, and Eli took some comfort that he was heard. He just didn’t know what would happen now. Would they become awkward with living with each other? Would they suddenly become incompatible? Would their relationship crumble overnight?

“You are correct, Eli.” Thrawn said, decisively. “We cannot do this.”

Eli stared.

“You…You’re not mad?” he asked.

“There is no reason to be. You are correct. We cannot take this risk. It is very clear to me now.”

“I-I’m sorry-”

“You have no reason to be, Cadet Vanto.” Thrawn said with such apathy that the sentence was a slap in the face and the formal address, a knife to the chest. Eli nearly crumpled under the intense pressure he found in his torso, and nearly clutched at the pain beginning to spread there.

“You simply are not ready,” Thrawn said with finality, turning on his heel to make his way to the exit.

**Author's Note:**

> It will get better for them, I promise! I really tried to make them happy but...it seems Angst follows me everywhere...
> 
> Say Hi on Tumblr!


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